My academics are in a mess .

My character is a mess.

My relationships are in a mess.

My life is a mess.

The word MESS does great justice in describing the state of my life currently. I feel as though I'm trying to dig out from under these hooks and weights that latch onto me as I clumsily walk down my path of life. They get heavier and messier, as the chains that cover me form knots just to spite me and make it more difficult to get off of me. Sooner or later, I'll become some kind of 'chain-y' beast walking very slowly down the road.

The nerd in me tells me that that metaphor isn't enough for what I'm feeling right now.

Chess Reference

So. When a person is playing chess, they tend to play with a plan. They develop their major pieces and make sure that their opponent doesn't mess with their plan. But if at some point, mistake is made or the opponent gets the better of the player, the player will be in a state of confusion. Their plan has fallen through and they must scrounge for scraps that can be salvaged or start anew with the pieces in their positions. In other words, the player doesn't have many options other than feel like crap and get frustrated at the fact that the board is now in a mess for them. It's a feeling of AHH wtf dammit #)($*%@* crap im frustrated what the heck now its so much work to get back to winning gahhh urrgghh blarggh. You get the point.

But God is good. I'm sure I prayed for this at some point. He's revealing the things that are wrong with me. I'm glad to be learning from this and I can proudly say that God is good.

Transformed

I have been brought up into the light. I have seen the holes that I have been digging. Now is the time to Praise the Lord.

In Love

We as Christians are people in love. It's unexplainable, love is unexplainable and transcends all logical explanation. God is love and we are people in love with Him. Life should be joyful and soaked with love. Remember the first time that we had a crush on someone? Or that first kiss? Our hearts should constantly flutter and butterflies should dance in our stomachs as we live our lives surrounded by God's love. All other things should fade to grey, as they say.

It's really easy to spot people in love. It is shown in movies, shows, and even everyday life. It's a proven fact that love is noticeable. I believe that when pastors or other people say that christians should be different than non-believers, this aspect of love in our lives should be that apparant difference.

I feel like that this is just the beginning of this realization. It will build upon itself throughout this year.

Live life in love

FaithFULL God

My prayers are being answered whether I like it or not. It's amazing to see the power and sovereignty that God has over my life and it's becoming more and more evident as this year progresses.

I feel it in my bones, this year is going to be intense. I am witnessing so many conceptions of programs and movements within the church that reflect the prayers that I desperately cried out during one of my many encounters with God. For instance: the new focus on the Gospel that I longed to know better; the newly initiated Men's ministry that focus on what it means to be a Man of God; and even the intensity of the new year mixed with the things I've learned over the summer.

Some parts of me are excited for the coming change and the things that I will learn and make mine this coming year. But most of me is kicking and screaming in the face of the overwhelming wave of changes and vulnerability that God will push me into.

Even the things I've learned this summer have been resurfacing. God has been making sure that I don't forget the valuable things I've learned this past Spring semester and this summer. I can say that this summer has been the most valuable and fruitful experiences that I've had in this life and God is making sure that it will follow me for the rest of it. For instance, the fact, and very painfully true fact, is the fact that I baby myself too much. I claim to be a man but my actions provide unfailing evidence that I speak falsely. I value my sleep and rest more than my work at times and I continuously uncover the rotting corpses that pull at my life and embody the consequences that I reap from my actions. I learned that my body and mind are stronger than I allow myself to believe but the comfortable life that I lead before still attaches itself onto my subconscious and refuses to let go. Only the strength of God is able to wrench the vice-like grips of the lethargic spirit off my soul and to allow me to walk freely in the light of God.

Praise be to God that our mind and bodies are able to strengthen after hard times. Our experiences act as reinforcing layers that continue to add to the God given strength of our psyche and body. Our once frail minds and bodies are covered with the grace and love of God that allow us to absorb harsh times and grow still stronger from it like the stout tree that adds layers and layers of bark around its vulnerable core to shield itself from future adversities. That is why we should welcome hardships and trying times as we will rise again as the phoenix does; stronger still. I still need to make this a part of my life and thoughts as I still fail at the hands of everyday life.

But now I have hope. God in His faithfulness and sovereignty will ensure that I will remember all these things and prepare me for the road ahead. All that is left is for me to act and have faith in the works He is doing. Simple instructions but they only serve as tips of their respective symbolic icebergs.

Hope. Act. Faith. Prayer. Love. So much to grow.