I gotta pick this up again.

Thoughts and Emotions have crowded up my windshield.
Time to turn on the wipers.
Ick. They look uncomfortable.

Fly into the sun

rock bottom. so thats how you feel. it isnt nice. youre not nice. you make me angry and despair at the state of my life. you have brought me to my knees, no my back, as i lay down in this chasm that i had dug with my fingers. my hands lay beside me, bloody with their nails ripped clean off; i didnt notice them until now. they hurt. my skin is full of scratches and cuts. my clothes have diminished to nothing but rags. the rocks that i bumped into cut deep into me and now im just a bloody dirty mess laying defeated at the bottom of this hole that i had dug. im tired. i felt like i was alone. all alone hurting and sore from the digging. sigh. i dont care anymore. i can just die here.

i sit back up and feel this new strength. confused, i try and remember the last time that i had eaten. it had been days, even weeks. baffled, i stood up and the hole didnt seem so big anymore. the sun was shining right into my ditch. i looked at my hands and my body. they werent so bloody anymore and not as painful. had i even hurt myself? this cant possibly be happening, this is impossible. but i look around. im not in the ditch anymore. im in my room and the sun is shining directly into the window. the curtains part and i could see the new morning. the beautiful sun rising powerfully to call the new day unto its feet. none can contest the power of the sun as it calls the new day and all other living things rose to their feet as i had done and participated in the start of such a beautiful day. then friends surrounded me. i had friends. i didnt notice that before. people care about me. where did that come from? they love me for who i am and welcome me back into life.

how is this possible? whats happening? how come i havent noticed it until now? my life has become so valuable. so worth fighting to keep. so worth the pain and the hardships that keep me down. my friends, my life, my community, my life group; they shine brighter than the most valuable gem. i want to keep this. i love where i am now. this is what i want. dont take it away from me. GOD smiles and helps me up to my feet. His words strengthen me and my legs so that i could walk. He tells me to run. He tells me to sprint. He tells me to fly. He tells me that he loves me. He tells me that this power is a gift. He tells me to Protect this new treasure that i had found, to protect it with all that i am and that He is with me every step of the way. He equips me and sends me on my way.

I smile. I see now. I get it. God has been there all the time. HA! rock bottom. I laugh at you. But thanks. Now I can move up. Thanks for being rock bottom, now all I can do is go up. I pick myself up from the dirt floor, bloody hands and all. I stand as I spread my wings and fly away into the sky.

Cracks

When I think of cracks, this image usually finds its way into my mind. I see lines and sections of the dirt split into arid and crusted clusters gasping for water.
So far this week, God has been showing me these cracks.

There is a certain beauty that even cracks and imperfections can form and that beauty is well captured in this photo I found. God has shown me this beauty in myself. When I can acknowledge and accept that these cracks are there, the beauty of grace and mercy flow through and shape the core of who I am becoming and the painting of this masterpiece God is creating within me. I am able to approach God and gain intimacy and love even with these obvious cracks and imperfections within my character.

I realize everyday how messed up I am. How much I lack in self control and how much I compensate with baseless pride. This word and concept, pride, embodies the struggle of man striving to have a relationship with God. In just five small letters, pride covers all our shortcomings; all our idols; all our monuments; all our masks; and all our excuses that we hold on to in an effort to cover up our sinfulness. But that pride has no weight, it has no base for it to stand on and becomes the house on the sand and falls away easily to the storms of the sea.

When our pride falls, we are left uncomfortable and in painful anxiety without a foundation to fall back on. Thus we seek more and more houses; more and more monuments and idols to fill our bags in preparation for the times when our temporary pedestals crumble beneath us just to fill that void with yet another temporary support.

I think that's why it's so hard for us to surrender. We feel that uncertainty and painful anxiety for the unknown when we don't replace the crumbling support with yet another temporary structure. We are afraid of the fall into our sinfulness that is so repulsive to us that we would spend the rest of our lives in search for a permanent replacement, blind to the fact that there is no permanent support that will lift us up. We are so afraid of the depths we fail to realize that there is nothing there but love and mercy from God the Father personalized for each of us. We have to reach down into the depths of our sinfulness to fully get a grasp on it. It will always be out of reach even if we reach down while hanging on to our earthly supports. So God demands that we let go of our earthly pride and fall down into a permanent foundation that will never fall away.

Did you know that the reason why the dirt cracks is due to dehydration? All you need to do in order to fix those cracks is to pour some water back into the land and it will become smooth and perfect. Imagine what will happen to the land when the life giving power of the Living Water of Christ is poured out upon the land.

I know that God has been pouring and I've been accepting, and transformation has been a constant and obvious part of my life. Imagine what would happen to you if that water was poured out and accepted into your own desert of cracks.

Dying

Aren't we called to Die to Ourselves? What gives us the right to make it all about us? We are sinful beings beyond compare and we have such pride to ask and expect the world to be good to us. We as christians are called to give selflessly as Christ has done. Aren't we called to live up to the figures of selflessness that we have seen in the past? Gandhi, Mother Teresa, and of course Jesus Christ? I am struggling with doing that myself as the Holy Spirit is working within me but it pains me to see my fellow brothers and sisters not doing the same. All I can do is to pray and have faith that God will work in them and challenge them to die to themselves.

When will this 'me' society turn into a 'them' society? When?

Prayer is a powerful thing. God has lifted my burden.

My academics are in a mess .

My character is a mess.

My relationships are in a mess.

My life is a mess.

The word MESS does great justice in describing the state of my life currently. I feel as though I'm trying to dig out from under these hooks and weights that latch onto me as I clumsily walk down my path of life. They get heavier and messier, as the chains that cover me form knots just to spite me and make it more difficult to get off of me. Sooner or later, I'll become some kind of 'chain-y' beast walking very slowly down the road.

The nerd in me tells me that that metaphor isn't enough for what I'm feeling right now.

Chess Reference

So. When a person is playing chess, they tend to play with a plan. They develop their major pieces and make sure that their opponent doesn't mess with their plan. But if at some point, mistake is made or the opponent gets the better of the player, the player will be in a state of confusion. Their plan has fallen through and they must scrounge for scraps that can be salvaged or start anew with the pieces in their positions. In other words, the player doesn't have many options other than feel like crap and get frustrated at the fact that the board is now in a mess for them. It's a feeling of AHH wtf dammit #)($*%@* crap im frustrated what the heck now its so much work to get back to winning gahhh urrgghh blarggh. You get the point.

But God is good. I'm sure I prayed for this at some point. He's revealing the things that are wrong with me. I'm glad to be learning from this and I can proudly say that God is good.

Transformed

I have been brought up into the light. I have seen the holes that I have been digging. Now is the time to Praise the Lord.

In Love

We as Christians are people in love. It's unexplainable, love is unexplainable and transcends all logical explanation. God is love and we are people in love with Him. Life should be joyful and soaked with love. Remember the first time that we had a crush on someone? Or that first kiss? Our hearts should constantly flutter and butterflies should dance in our stomachs as we live our lives surrounded by God's love. All other things should fade to grey, as they say.

It's really easy to spot people in love. It is shown in movies, shows, and even everyday life. It's a proven fact that love is noticeable. I believe that when pastors or other people say that christians should be different than non-believers, this aspect of love in our lives should be that apparant difference.

I feel like that this is just the beginning of this realization. It will build upon itself throughout this year.

Live life in love