Growing Up.
You never stop growing up do you? When is it ever enough? When do you 'grow' up? It's too late. I may elaborate later.
Great Day
I took an adventure today. I lack the experience and the words necessary to describe all my feelings and the things I saw vividly but I will try my best to share my experience with all of you.
Went out on my rollerblades once again to get some air and exercise after a whole day of staying inside. Stepping out in the evening air was as refreshing as it was two days ago in my previous outing. I headed to Palmer again, thinking I should do what I did last time.
The sky was yet again on fire, as if the sun lit it aflame during its last attempts to stay perched in the open sky. The clouds lined the skyline, contrasting the multitude of colors, as though they were the last few brush marks God the Creator had left as He finished up His daily masterpiece. I flew by Palmer field, engulfed in the beauty I was privileged to experience. I thought to myself, I should go exploring today, get lost on purpose and find my way back. I headed towards North Campus guided by nothing else but the wind on my back.
Surprisingly, the ride to North Campus was very short. Frankly, I was disappointed, I had thought the adventure would prove more fruitful than what I had experienced. Determined not to turn back until I had gotten my fill of the evening air, I took a right rather than the usual left that lead into North Campus and traveled on the road that looked as if it had been neglected by travelers and left to ponder its own loneliness. I smiled and chose to provide the road with a grateful traveler.
I rollerbladed down the road lined with trees and shrubbery. I didn't think I would come across such vegetation in Ann Arbor. I was pleasantly surprised and continued along the road towards a direction that guided me to places unknown.
It was beautiful. The strong noble trees protecting the delicate flowers that had bloomed to decorate the gentle arrival of spring. The air smelled of grass and flowers and the trees boasted of health and strength through their aroma. I smiled and took off my earphones. I heard my breathing, my wheels going over the pavement, the birds singing, and the silent consent of the trees around me and I felt at peace. My heart was filled with the sunshine and the nature around me that I thought I would burst at the slightest touch. Peace and joy mixed within me to create such a bliss that filled my being that I couldn't help but skate along with the most goofiest smile on my face, taking in all that my surroundings had to offer. I was at home. I was at peace with the world and I had found my joy.
I traveled beyond signs and traffic lights and came upon the Northwood housing complexes and the grasses and trees that surrounded it as a mother surrounded her child with such care. I continued along as the Northwood blue bus rushed past me, throwing a gust of wind my way as a greeting to a companion in the open air. I continued down the road into the undiscovered parts of the campus.
The wind whispered its kind and joyful song in my ears and the beating of my heart served as its metronome. I was engulfed in this otherworldly experience that I had accidental fell into and I was elated to have made such a beautiful accident. But the sun was going down and I had to head home. My heart tugged at the other roads left unexplored but promised that I would return to tread on their lonely pavement and offer them my companionship some other day.
I headed back on the main route back to Central Campus and came at a crossroad. I was sad to have cut my journey up north short and decided that taking that wrong turn now wouldn't be so bad since it was so close to central. So I eventually made my way back to Regents through the nooks and crannies that make up the fringes of Central.
Well I hope that my words did a good enough job of describing what I did today. I was going to write more about what I thought about but the train of though has broken. Maybe I'll indulge in them once again at another time.
Went out on my rollerblades once again to get some air and exercise after a whole day of staying inside. Stepping out in the evening air was as refreshing as it was two days ago in my previous outing. I headed to Palmer again, thinking I should do what I did last time.
The sky was yet again on fire, as if the sun lit it aflame during its last attempts to stay perched in the open sky. The clouds lined the skyline, contrasting the multitude of colors, as though they were the last few brush marks God the Creator had left as He finished up His daily masterpiece. I flew by Palmer field, engulfed in the beauty I was privileged to experience. I thought to myself, I should go exploring today, get lost on purpose and find my way back. I headed towards North Campus guided by nothing else but the wind on my back.
Surprisingly, the ride to North Campus was very short. Frankly, I was disappointed, I had thought the adventure would prove more fruitful than what I had experienced. Determined not to turn back until I had gotten my fill of the evening air, I took a right rather than the usual left that lead into North Campus and traveled on the road that looked as if it had been neglected by travelers and left to ponder its own loneliness. I smiled and chose to provide the road with a grateful traveler.
I rollerbladed down the road lined with trees and shrubbery. I didn't think I would come across such vegetation in Ann Arbor. I was pleasantly surprised and continued along the road towards a direction that guided me to places unknown.
It was beautiful. The strong noble trees protecting the delicate flowers that had bloomed to decorate the gentle arrival of spring. The air smelled of grass and flowers and the trees boasted of health and strength through their aroma. I smiled and took off my earphones. I heard my breathing, my wheels going over the pavement, the birds singing, and the silent consent of the trees around me and I felt at peace. My heart was filled with the sunshine and the nature around me that I thought I would burst at the slightest touch. Peace and joy mixed within me to create such a bliss that filled my being that I couldn't help but skate along with the most goofiest smile on my face, taking in all that my surroundings had to offer. I was at home. I was at peace with the world and I had found my joy.
I traveled beyond signs and traffic lights and came upon the Northwood housing complexes and the grasses and trees that surrounded it as a mother surrounded her child with such care. I continued along as the Northwood blue bus rushed past me, throwing a gust of wind my way as a greeting to a companion in the open air. I continued down the road into the undiscovered parts of the campus.
The wind whispered its kind and joyful song in my ears and the beating of my heart served as its metronome. I was engulfed in this otherworldly experience that I had accidental fell into and I was elated to have made such a beautiful accident. But the sun was going down and I had to head home. My heart tugged at the other roads left unexplored but promised that I would return to tread on their lonely pavement and offer them my companionship some other day.
I headed back on the main route back to Central Campus and came at a crossroad. I was sad to have cut my journey up north short and decided that taking that wrong turn now wouldn't be so bad since it was so close to central. So I eventually made my way back to Regents through the nooks and crannies that make up the fringes of Central.
Well I hope that my words did a good enough job of describing what I did today. I was going to write more about what I thought about but the train of though has broken. Maybe I'll indulge in them once again at another time.
Solitude
I like being alone.
I was alone at the house for the first time today. My other housemates left for the prayer gathering and I had decided to stay back and study for the test I have tomorrow. I started studying and went on for a good hour but it was getting frustrating and I had to get outside. Reading Robbie's post on my Facebook asking if I still rollerbladed, I thought it would be good to go out for a roller-run. I strapped my blades on and left the house for Palmer Field.
The weather was amazing. The sun was just setting and left streaks of orange and red that contrasted beautifully against the still light blue sky. I pushed my legs and rolled off closer and closer to Palmer Field.
There were people already there, well good weather in Ann Arbor is hard to come by, it's pretty much expected of people to go outside and run around. People were playing soccer and jogging around the track. I decided to go join in the good run around the track. Being on rollerblades is so fun, it has been a while and I had forgotten the wind and the feel of rolling over the ground. Not surprisingly, I overestimated my stamina and physical state and started off too strong and my diaphragm started hurting with the stress of breathing at a pace faster than normal. I chuckled at how out of shape I was and decided to push on.
Rollerblading or even running gives you a lot of time to think and to just internalize everything you're feeling and you eventually don't notice anything else but yourself. It's a peaceful feeling. I rollerbladed for about an hour straight, varying in my speed and exertion and finally headed home, hungry and in need of a shower.
After I cleaned myself up, I headed over to my kitchen counter and leaned against it, wondering what I should make. I had planned to make some rice and mix it with an egg and some soy sauce, an age-old quick recipe I had learned from my mother, but I thought why not try something adventurous and took out the chicken and defrosted it.
Well eventually it wasn't that creative or adventurous but I would say it was a success! I didn't burn anything down and it was edible. Satisfied with my success, I sat down with my plate and a bowl full of kimchi and chowed down. All the while, my laptop was booming music. I don't know what I would do without music in my life. I would probably go crazy from the lack of music, I could go all day with my ears plugged and think nothing of it.
I'm at peace at home, alone with myself and the music that flows out from the mega ipod earphones that my sister bought me for Christmas. I feel a sense of peaceful joy at the solitude of the house, all by myself. It's a feeling that I cannot describe in words; if I tried it would take ages to type this up and I can't, I have to finish studying for an exam haha.
I would say that the second half of today has been the best day since spring semester started. With that being said, I'm going to go delve into first differential equations and such so that I can battle trig functions equiped with characteristic equations and Euler as an ally. I bid you adieu until next time.
I was alone at the house for the first time today. My other housemates left for the prayer gathering and I had decided to stay back and study for the test I have tomorrow. I started studying and went on for a good hour but it was getting frustrating and I had to get outside. Reading Robbie's post on my Facebook asking if I still rollerbladed, I thought it would be good to go out for a roller-run. I strapped my blades on and left the house for Palmer Field.
The weather was amazing. The sun was just setting and left streaks of orange and red that contrasted beautifully against the still light blue sky. I pushed my legs and rolled off closer and closer to Palmer Field.
There were people already there, well good weather in Ann Arbor is hard to come by, it's pretty much expected of people to go outside and run around. People were playing soccer and jogging around the track. I decided to go join in the good run around the track. Being on rollerblades is so fun, it has been a while and I had forgotten the wind and the feel of rolling over the ground. Not surprisingly, I overestimated my stamina and physical state and started off too strong and my diaphragm started hurting with the stress of breathing at a pace faster than normal. I chuckled at how out of shape I was and decided to push on.
Rollerblading or even running gives you a lot of time to think and to just internalize everything you're feeling and you eventually don't notice anything else but yourself. It's a peaceful feeling. I rollerbladed for about an hour straight, varying in my speed and exertion and finally headed home, hungry and in need of a shower.
After I cleaned myself up, I headed over to my kitchen counter and leaned against it, wondering what I should make. I had planned to make some rice and mix it with an egg and some soy sauce, an age-old quick recipe I had learned from my mother, but I thought why not try something adventurous and took out the chicken and defrosted it.
Well eventually it wasn't that creative or adventurous but I would say it was a success! I didn't burn anything down and it was edible. Satisfied with my success, I sat down with my plate and a bowl full of kimchi and chowed down. All the while, my laptop was booming music. I don't know what I would do without music in my life. I would probably go crazy from the lack of music, I could go all day with my ears plugged and think nothing of it.
I'm at peace at home, alone with myself and the music that flows out from the mega ipod earphones that my sister bought me for Christmas. I feel a sense of peaceful joy at the solitude of the house, all by myself. It's a feeling that I cannot describe in words; if I tried it would take ages to type this up and I can't, I have to finish studying for an exam haha.
I would say that the second half of today has been the best day since spring semester started. With that being said, I'm going to go delve into first differential equations and such so that I can battle trig functions equiped with characteristic equations and Euler as an ally. I bid you adieu until next time.
I'm Terrified
I can't hold responsibility. I know I can't carry through on my word most the time. I'm terrified.
I just came back from talking with my advisor and the head of the Scholastic Standing Committee and providing a sufficient argument as to why I should be able to take Spring classes. I had an hour to kill so I went into the Duderstadt to write about what I'm feeling at the moment and I feel terror. Horror at the possibility that I might fuck this up so bad that I will be forced to be on Mandatory Leave next Fall Semester if I don't do well this Spring. I've been given a chance to petition and be reinstated for Spring term and a chance to take the classes that I need. And all I felt after leaving the meeting wasn't hope or joy at the fact that I got another chance, it was a terrible burden and fear that I felt at the huge pressure of the consequence that would immediately follow my failure. I am completely terrified that I won't be able to do well on my classes.
People may tell me; "You can do it!", "God will help you!", "Don't worry you're capable of anything if you try!". I don't want to hear any of the generic phrases that people tell each other to get them "through" the day. I don't know what those words mean. I can't "do it". My previous activities and endeavors have all ended in failure and thats what got me to this place I am in now. I am not "capable" of this at the moment, but I've been given a chance and the only thing I know is that I am completely capable of screwing it up.
So to the people who are gracious enough to even glance at the words I write on this, I need more than simple words of encouragement. I know they mean well and that those words are to help me along but right now I need more than that, more than just simple encouraging words. I need to know how God will be able to pull me through this. Specific things. I confess that I draw a blank for practical solutions that relate to God at the moment, and that I lack the faith right now. But I am simply terrified.
Flames of Matches
Amidst the fire and passion of an extraordinary purpose,
all other concerns dwindle down
to mere shadows.
all other concerns dwindle down
to mere shadows.
Do we live like that anymore? Do we have that roaring,
brilliant flame of purpose among our collection of pursuits?
Or have we dwelt in the dimness for far to long
to be left nearsighted and content, occupied with dying matches?
brilliant flame of purpose among our collection of pursuits?
Or have we dwelt in the dimness for far to long
to be left nearsighted and content, occupied with dying matches?
Thomas
Thomas woke up one morning and realized that his life was falling apart. His bed was bleeding out stuffing and the room was cold enough to freeze nitrogen; the window had been open all night. It was a small room, space enough to fit his twin size bed and the sofa. The floor was painted with his clothes and belongings; colors and shapes against the brown carpet canvas that depicted his messy mannerisms as if it were a piece of art. He reached for his laptop on the crate near his bed and chose to ignore the cold and hunger once again, it was a typical morning.The computer awoke with soft whirring noises and made its acquaintance with the conscious world. Thomas, waiting for the laptop to fully boot up, closed his eyes and took a breath of the frigid air to clear his mind.
He had to work today. Work and two extra training sessions so he could keep his job. Hopefully those two sessions will bring up his value in the company and give the uppers at least two reasons to keep him. Thomas had to do well on those sessions, he had failed on the job too much already. If not he had one more year of room so he could improve in the upcoming season.
The laptop had finished booting and Thomas opened up the web browser to check his email. His eyes glanced at each title; "Blah blah spam blah blah", "more spam blah", "Urgent Job Standing". His eyes grew wider when they glanced over the last title and the morning grogginess had suddenly disappeared. He slowly and precisely dragged his mouse over the link and clicked, hoping it would be good news. The words contained inside spoke otherwise; he was on Employment Withheld. He is to be denied re-employment in the next year and the two sessions that he will be taking may be denied as well. The words also described his deadline for a petition to be reinstated into the payroll of the company and that he may face unemployment in the next coming months. Fucked. Royally fucked. That's what he was.
Breathing was becoming harder, the shallow breaths could not subdue the incoming anxiety and panic that was going to hit him like an oncoming train. What's he going to do now? What's the situation on the two sessions? His mind raced with possibilities of unemployment, living on the streets, abandonment by his close friends; the shame and despair were becoming unbearable. There was no control in his situation. Absolutely stripped of his control and laid out bare at the mercy of the Employment Board and the chances of the world, Thomas felt helpless and incredibly weak.
His eyes darted back and forth, shadows of the racing thoughts in his head trying to understand what to do next, what will happen, what is going to become of him, and why is this happening to him?! In all the timing in the world, why now? His heart climbing into his throat, denying all the air around him, Thomas lay in panic. Lifeless on the bed with his laptop by his side, he didn't know what else to do but weep.
I woke up one morning and realized that my life was falling apart.
I've been grumpy
Grumpy puppy says I should stop being grumpy and cheer the fuck up.
Sorry to anybody if I've been grumpy towards you and hurt you in anyway.
Homeless.
I'm homeless in Ann Arbor as of May 2, 2009. I'm grumpy, tired, and extremely dirty up until about 5 minutes ago. Generosity of kind older brothers is amazing. Morning prayer tomorrow! Being homeless can make you very cranky. I may be able to appreciate the comfort of a home more now though.
Packing Days
So I'm still packing on the day of the move out. The slowest packer alive known to man. I'm sorry to say, but I have a roughly C- average this term and I would like to let that be known so that when I get them A's over the spring, OR if I slack over the spring, I can be slapped upside the head and be put back into motion. And those A's will be the more sweeter. FML but it's ok. I'm going to go finish packing now, it's gonna be a doozy.
And for you orgo freaks out there. FML
