I can't hold responsibility. I know I can't carry through on my word most the time. I'm terrified.
I just came back from talking with my advisor and the head of the Scholastic Standing Committee and providing a sufficient argument as to why I should be able to take Spring classes. I had an hour to kill so I went into the Duderstadt to write about what I'm feeling at the moment and I feel terror. Horror at the possibility that I might fuck this up so bad that I will be forced to be on Mandatory Leave next Fall Semester if I don't do well this Spring. I've been given a chance to petition and be reinstated for Spring term and a chance to take the classes that I need. And all I felt after leaving the meeting wasn't hope or joy at the fact that I got another chance, it was a terrible burden and fear that I felt at the huge pressure of the consequence that would immediately follow my failure. I am completely terrified that I won't be able to do well on my classes.
People may tell me; "You can do it!", "God will help you!", "Don't worry you're capable of anything if you try!". I don't want to hear any of the generic phrases that people tell each other to get them "through" the day. I don't know what those words mean. I can't "do it". My previous activities and endeavors have all ended in failure and thats what got me to this place I am in now. I am not "capable" of this at the moment, but I've been given a chance and the only thing I know is that I am completely capable of screwing it up.
So to the people who are gracious enough to even glance at the words I write on this, I need more than simple words of encouragement. I know they mean well and that those words are to help me along but right now I need more than that, more than just simple encouraging words. I need to know how God will be able to pull me through this. Specific things. I confess that I draw a blank for practical solutions that relate to God at the moment, and that I lack the faith right now. But I am simply terrified.
8 comments:
At the consequence of writing exactly what you told me not to, I am tempted not to say anything and just move on to the next thing in my day. But when I read your post, my first thought is that there are a million different ways for things to go wrong at any given moment, but there are also a few ways for things to get back to the way you want them to be. The best case scenario? You get your chance and you do well, and you have no more worries.
The tendency is going to be to think only of the worst thing that could happen. But when you're willing to accept that end, then the whole ordeal will become insignificant. I spent the beginning of last semester with the fear that I might end up dying or having my leg amputated or something because of a tumor I have in my leg. But when I was willing to accept that somehow, that in some way, God could use me even in my death to help bring someone else to eternal life, the worst end seemed appropriate. Not that I wanted that to happen, but I understood that it could happen, and that even grudgingly, I would be able to accept it.
That probably didn't help. But when you wake up from this nightmare, you'll look back and laugh at it one day.
Psalm 43:5
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and 6 my God.
Alex, let's use our community to get collective prayers/helps for this challenge. I just pray that this challenge would shape you up into a man of faith. you can do this. we are here to help you. So, worrying does not help. hwaitttinnggg! :)
HIMNAE
i'm like.. about to pass out from my meds but i just wanted to write first that i read the entry.
i'll leave a long comment as soon as i wake up.
himnae woongee ah. i have complete faith in you <3
Hey Alex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Buddy.. who I like.. never see! The one time I went to visit you, you weren't there :( hahahah. Anyhoo, my question would be...why focus on the 'can't's? Hahaha. Oh, I think there MUST've been MANY MANY times when you said that you 'can't' and then having the results to be fine or surpass the 'average'. I think everyone has the potential to do ANYTHING... It may look really devastating but I think in the end, there is a reason that you're going through what you're going through right now... maybe to later minister to a younger brother or sister who may be in the same shoes as you. Focus on the present and work for the best...deal with the results when it's actually in front of you.
Honestly, Alex, I think you will excel if you put all your efforts into it. Really. I don't doubt it at all. It is all in God's plan. Even the situation you're in right now... God will use you for something greater than you know.
Proverbs 16:3-4
Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. The Lord works out everything for His own ends - even the wicked fo a day of disaster.
Another thing I wanted to share with you .. is Hezekiah in Isaish 39:8 was given a prophecy of downfall and tragedy.. but you know what he said?
Isaiah 39:8 "The Word of the Lord you have spoken is good," Hezekiah replied. For he thought, "There will be peace and security in my lifetime."
You're not the first one to experience this hopelessness, but I think what it comes down to is really holding onto God as your refuge and strength.
Be strong brother!!
this isn't long or really insightful and it doesn't really relate to God
and you might be like "psh no she doesn't" because it's easy to imagine that you're alone
but just to let you know, you're not. cliche as it sounds, i know how you feel.
maybe my situation isn't as bad but i know how it feels.
Like what Dcho said and what everyone else is showing, we're all here for you =)
Our community is here to pray for you and to help you through it.
Don't forget that we're not only here to help you with your walk with God but also the other aspects such as academics.
If you need help, such as some people to keep you accountable in your studying or homework, then we can do that. We can also help you, well at least for those who took your class before.
But we're here to pray and support you through it =)
Good luck alex, you can do it =)
oh this is jesse, fyi
I know this is a really late comment, but yea I just wanted to encourage you and let you know that no matter how much you feel like a failure or actually do fail, you'll still be a good friend of mine and a obviously part of the muh-shin-eun MEN on FRONT.
But even apart from people here that really care for you and are hurting because you are going through some tough times, remember that GOD was sovereign enough to place you purposefully in this community that really cares for you and are praying for you. It was because of God that we (frontline) was gathered together in the first place. I really feel like God is trying to get your attention. I know this won't be a tangible way for your circustances to get better at this moment, but if you're wondering how God will be able to pull you through this, ASK HIM IN PRAYER. Are you desperate enough to the point of listening to what God is trying to say? Who knows whether your life will turn around or not, but maybe God is telling you your expectations and perspective of Him needs to be changed, and the only way to get a proper perspective of God is to ask Him for it genuinely. Maybe God is exposing the things that you really trusted and took pride in.
AlEX GOD REALLY LOVES YOU and CONSIDERS YOU as HIS SON. He will NEVER FORSAKE YOU. He is teaching you to become more dependent on Him ALONE.
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