Inexpressible

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Ahh. Whatever. I give up. Life is frustrating and complicated. Let's just leave it at that f_ck_d up excuse.

Drinkability? No. Just Drunkallkjdlk,fty....

It is 3:10AM. I'm currently at this moment in time sitting comfortably in a fish bowl chair drowsily trying to string words together. They say that if you are significantly sleep deprived, you begin to feel the symptoms of being intoxicated. I can definitely say it is like being drunk; if being drunk is an impending headache, extreme lack of focus, and sleepiness.

Now to the problem at hand. I am in this situation due to a fire alarm that turned out to be the real thing with fire trucks and flooded parts of the West Quad basement. I'm assuming that it's taking hours because they have to search the whole premises to locate the problem then solve it. Now. IF we had employed the Amazing Squirtle Squad Fire Brigade to patrol the hallowed halls of West Quad, we the West Quadians, would not be in such a taxing situation. They would be diligent in enforcing the fire safety rules with a stern SQUIRTLE!! to the rebellious souls that play with fire. You see, Squirtles are super effective against fire and would be a very effective solution to any fiery situation. Their hard shells would also serve as excellent protection against burning debris and stay in danger until the job was done. All they would require would be Pokeballs furnished with an indoor pool, jacuzzi, and an LCD Widescreen with which they would watch old episodes of Pokemon with their fellow pocket monsters and laugh about the good old days.

Yes I understand that the previous paragraph is extremely ridiculous and completely impossible to carry out. And I understand that the reference to the Squirtle Squad will only make sense to the Pokemon fans out there, and what I've written will further prove that I may have been under the influence of a certain substance while writing this post. But I ensure you, I am only suffering from sleep deprivation and Nurse Joy will be here shortly to see what she can do about it. She may assign a Drowsee to put me to sleep every night to cure me of my insomnia and quite possibly an Alakazam to analyze my psychological state. After those treatments, I should be back to normal! Ah here she comes now with my dear friend Ash Ketchum and they tell me that the situation at West Quad has been resolved. Great! I should be able to get some sleep now.

Off to sleep now! I bid thee, World of Waking, adieu for I am off to visit Grandpa Slumber and listen to his tales and stories. I will walk among your inhabitants once again tomorrow. Good night!

Psychophysimentalsleepology

I'm tired. Test on Wednesday, homework due Tuesday, possible research paper to research for, meetings, and above all that, my sleeping schedule is messed up beyond recognition. I am a nocturnal being.

Oh well. I should go eat and do some laundry tomorrow. Nice day today though.

This guy will do the sleeping for me.

I Wish...

I wish I had the skill, grace, and eloquence of the Creator to draw the eager words from my mind and body and spin them into a masterpiece of thought and imagination; the creation of a living and breathing picture of words that form in the readers mind as they read the simple letters. Inanimate letters and words are given life and they begin to demonstrate their purpose and life all on their own. I wish I were an artist and these letters were my medium through which the world would see me. Letters forming words, words forming sentences, sentences forming images, images forming experiences and feelings taking you through who I am and what I am feeling.

Who are my teachers? Intellect? Emotion? Experience? Masters of patience and perseverance, they offer me tools to use but not how to use them coherently. Thoughts run wildly and uncontrollably running their own course and recruiting their own letters to serve them. Chaos and Dissonance free the thoughts and letters from their inhibitions and self control and cackle madly at the pandemonium they have caused. I am left deep in this bedlam left only with my reason and tools given to me. Where do I begin? How do I cultivate such chaos and dissonance into something coherent and beautiful?

I wish...I were better at sculpting my words.

Splatter Portrait

I'm just going to splatter thoughts on this blank canvas.

The past few days I've been feeling under the weather. Great weather actually. All the people can celebrate with me under the rays of the sun that finally decided to peak out from its blanket of frigid clouds and throw some warmth towards Ann Arbor. I can't begin to describe what a joy it was to take out my rollerblades and skate around the campus. I really love rollerblading. It might not be as vigorous of a workout as running is but the speed and just having wheels attached to your feet is a totally different experience. It's a pity though that Ann Arbor has horrible roads and few hills to take advantage of gravity. My wheels have been worn down too, but buying new ones would cost me about 40-50 dollars! My past paycheck was all spent on food so you can see where my priorities lie. Food over material things ha ha.

Let's see if I have any 'great' thoughts that I could paint onto this page.....

Well before that, Renew retreat is this Saturday. I've already done a third of a homework due on Friday. Work was enjoyable even though it was sunny outside and I was stuck inside. I found out that I am VERY (notice the capital letters) easily amused. I wonder if that is a good thing or not. Some say it's good that I can find joy in such simple things. On the other hand, I think it might reflect some sort of immaturity in character, but that's just how I think the other hand might be ha ha. For example. In Se7en's Girls, there is a line in which he describes his desire for a 'clone machine' in order to make six more of himself in order to have one 'Se7en' every day of the week...HA HA HA! I laugh every time I hear him sing that line. It's so ridiculous it makes me wonder what the writers were doing at the time. ha ha...clone machine..he he

My life just got a lot more complicated. New music has kindly stepped into my Ipod and I now enjoy the company of several new Korean pop songs that also include Girls that I mentioned before. I have a test coming up next week, started kind of studying for it today which was a good thing. Got a meeting with Pastor Pete on Sunday. Going to the 58 Greene concert to support fellow A Capella enthusiasts. My classes are getting more interesting now that I actually actively show interest in them. Who knew it would be that easy huh?

I've run out of thoughts to splatter. End!

사랑인건 A Puzzle Piece

God's love is supposed to be amazing. I have yet to experience it.

What is this love that Christians talk about? What is this great 'love' that sets Christianity apart from the other religions? Who among the followers of Christ can give a personal, own-word, description of who God is to them and what His love for them? I for one, cannot even think about setting a foot on that path of description littered with words and emotions invoked by God love because it simply does not exist for me.

The Sunday school teachings are so simple. God loves me because the bible tells me so and sent His one and only son to die for our sins. Simply and beautifully sung by the tattered and frayed bible verse inhabiting the back of our minds, John 3:16. 3:16 is so beaten and broken; so disheveled and distraught; that he has been used so flippantly. What is our first response against people who question our faith and loyalty to this religion? John 3:16. And yet we don't fully understand the whole extent of those few words describing God's love for us. There is no backing, no understanding that 3:16 deserves in our hearts rather than being simply banked in our minds.

Where is my foundation? Where are the words that are supposed to flow from my lips incessantly when asked about the 'love' God continuously flows unto me? I want to be able to shape the intangible and amorphous light of God in my life into something personal and comprehensible. I want to be able to understand the teachings of the bible that naturally flows from the understanding of that love. What I've learned so far is that God is a being that loves us and we are to love Him back. I personally can't say boldly that I do love Him. If I don't understand the love that is being given to me, how can I possibly begin to reciprocate it?

I desire to learn. I desire to understand. How can I start? What can I do? My view of God has been so blurry and altered by the window to God that I broke in the first place. My life has been a disappointment, one after the other. I see my faults all the time and I beat myself up for it. And in that way, I see my God as a strict and rebuking God. Not to say He isn't, but it just doesn't add up to the total portrait of His love painted by the words of Jesus and the prophets before me.

I have a long road ahead of me. I need to learn quickly, my life in college has only but two more years left. After that, I need to be able to stand on my own two feet. No more consistent church activities, no life group every week, and no more constant church community. I need to be able to get a job, cope with it, and even find a wife in the next 10 years of my life. Some wise pastor told me that your years get shorter because a year becomes just a fraction of your life. One more year for me is just a 1/20th more of the time I've spent here already. At 30, it will be just a 1/30th more of my life. I need to get going. I need to start exploring with my own two hands and feet and find the corner piece of the jigsaw puzzle so I can start building the foundation to the portait entitled 'Love'.

Then by faith, everything else will fall into place.

Unaltered

Disclaimer: This entry may be long. It is a journal entry I wrote during the All Nighter.

So I've been keeping up with ME240, ME250, and Hist 218. ME211 has been my black sheep. So far I've missed about 4-5 homeworks out of a possible 12 or 14. It's horrible. I've done horribly on the test, homeworks are incredibly time consuming, I never start early and I procrastinate with the other things in my life. I could get angry, bitter, even apathetic about the situation. But I feel the best thing to do is stay calm. And let my thoughts flow. emotions never got anything done. They may fuel things but they never start nor finish.

So here I am. Test grades none too outstanding and desperately needing a change in my life. I still have feelings of failure and bitterness and anger. But all that they lead to is apathy. "Meh, I'll do better next time"; "It wasn't too bad, I have time". Those thoughts are nothing but procrastination. When did I become like this? When did I let myself go? I had good grades before college. 90's, and 70's were death in my eyes. I never settled for anything else than 95 or above. And I could reach them too. It wasn't that the material was amazingly easy either. I paid attention. I was forced to go to class and do Hw and do well on tests. I need accountability. But Fuck all that. I've been through this last year. Blah blah, I need to change. Blah. I've seen and I've thought these thoughts already. Too many times for comfort. What happened to me? What happened!?!? God answer me. Teach me how to fix me. The problem is, I know what will and can fix me. I refuse to do it. Pride? Self esteem? What's holding me back? It's become impossible for me to be a student. Nothing excites me anymore. And this could be a form of pride too. God I'm fucked up. What am I doing here? I'm paying money to fail. I've hurt so many other people around me. Here's that thought again. That "buzz" word. Maturity - thinking of others before oneself. Time and time again it's been the most logical answer. It is the most logical answer. Who will take care of me? God, my family, my friends. Logical, completely logical isn't it? Yea it is but can't seem to plant it into my heart. Impossible! I've linked emotions to God and my relationship with Him. I need to change it. God wait for me. Or rather change me now. I have no time to lose or else my depravity and everything I've written about will take course again. Do something about it Alex! God! I'm going to wrestle your power out of you. I can't wait anymore. Keep the fire going. I can't wait anymore.
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Ok so I was thinking. We have limited time for everything. Our days are numbered. So we should go get everything that we need and want and stop wasting time. Of course it doesn't mean that we get everything that we want, it should be backed up with the wisdom of God. So, in our humility, we have no power. God is sovereign and all powerful and we have to depend on God for our strength due to our depravity and sins. Ok revelation. We can now get anything and everything we need because we have God behind us. Yes? Make sense? And as we knock and seek, we should take an initiative stance. We have to show God that we want it. nobody will just give it to us. So that might work for material things and stuff but how do you get intangible things? Like faith, determination, passion, etc. How? Do you act upon that and have faith that we will be changed as we practice? It seems I'm answering my own questions. God is here with me and speaking to me it seems. Praise the Lord! Sigh. But I still have my doubts. How long will this conviction last? Prayer will make it more concrete in my life. Makes sense. The devil will take that and attack me and put water on my fire. My own depravity will make me put water on the fire. God help me. I radio in for help. "Broken Arrow!" Send your angels. Put me on the frontlines so I may grow as quickly as you let me. Take my doubts away from me because you will always take care of me. My prayer.
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So talking to my LCG. My next step is to FULLY understand what God's love for me is; understand what it means when God loves me and gave His son for me. Then everything else will fall into place. Have you thought about that before? Do you know for sure that God loves you outside of the head knowledge? Can you say fully in your heart that you understand what God did out of love?

Act

Carry through. Just do it. Don't think, just act on it. Stick to one thing. Sigh I'm so inconsistent it's amazing that I'm still alive. All these thoughts, "convictions", and revelations aren't worth crap if I don't act on them. Crap. I'm still an idiot. 변신 time hopefully!

OK all nighter time. Going to be changed. Will be changed because I'll focus on not on my weaknesses but confess them and let His power change me.

Fragmented Sentences

Frustrated. Frustration. Lack of satisfaction in a situation or endeavor. Life. Unfair. God? Me. Incomplete. Still immature. So insufficient. So useless. Homework not done. Blamed it on a test. Bullsh*t. Starting at 12 AM. Retarded. Sleepless nights numerous. Unproductive. Distractions. Nothing working out. Failures. Need to focus on work. The fruits of life. Focus.

Must improve. Quiet times? Few. Prayer? Limited. Depravity? Boundless.

Should be glad. Blessed. Limbs, health, friends, family. Great church community. Much love for me. Should press on. Will press on.

Sigh. So focused inwardly. Learning to care. Learning to breathe. Learning to be mature.

RAN out of thoughts. Starting homework. This was fun. Ha ha ha
Oh. And I took an online test regarding fragmented sentences and run-on sentences. I got a 10/10! haha yes..

Epic Fail

I've proven once again that I'm a slacker and I would drive myself to pure oblivion academically and socially if not for the Lord.

Last night everything that could go wrong was going wrong. My ME250 hw required that I do it online and on a remote desktop provided by the University on a website. It was due today and I had a test today so it had to be done before I started. The remote desktop was disconnecting on me, the program I was using was restarting on me, and my patience was thinning on me. It was reminiscent of the nights before previous tests and those tests had not gone well. The hw was taking forever too. It wasn't supposed to.

I had finished the homework by 1:30, praise the Lord, and took a break. And of course, the break was an extended break fueled by my desire to avoid doing any kind of work at 2 o' clock in the morning. So I started to perform the good old "study" motions like any good college student by 2:30 am. Needless to say, by 5:30 am I had only accumulated about an hour of studying for this history exam that was in four and a half hours and the hour of studying was from 4:30 to 5:30. Go figure. Overwhelmed by the drunken stupor that is sleep deprivation, I sulked off to bed to try and squeeze in two hours of sleep to allow my frazzled brain to reconstruct itself significantly enough for the test.

Woke up approximately two and a quarter hours later at 8 o' clock and took a shower. From then on I tried to cram things I thought I never could in my head; dates, concepts, events, anything really. Took a quick nap because my eyelids were closing to keep my brains from leaking out of my eye holes and went to take the test.

Everything that led up to this test adds up to the failure of my midterm but through God's grace, the things on the test were not easy but were of the things that I had crammed into my thoughts the night before and the hastily browsed notes of this morning. I won't say, no I can't say that I did well on that test, the essay was HORRIBLE. I was so rusty at LSA style writing, or rather any writing in general that I hope my thoughts were numerous enough to link together some kind of coherent argument on the strength of the communists in the north by 1954 in Vietnam.

All in all, I give credit to whatever I receive on the test to God. If I fail, then it is due to my faults and imperfections and I deserve every point that I didn't get. If I pass or do well, it is all because of God, for God, and has nothing to do with my power. May these words walk with me as I continue this day because I have so much to do now that I'm done with this test. Homeworks seeking attention like a devil baby that shrieks out for injustice and pain in my academic life will occupy my night tonight. No doubt I'll push that baby out the window to deal with it tomorrow.

Even now I'm late for class and I have to print out my finished HW to hand in but thankfully the class I'm late for is optional and I can eat something to survive the next 3.5 hour block of classes that is coming up. Fail. Well... I revel in the miasma of events, meetings, classes, homeworks, and work because I can lean upon the strength of God and struggle through it. Hopefully I'll remember to do that. hahahah...

Imperfectly yours,

Alex

edit: haha i just reread this and it sounds like im trying too hard to sound intelligent or like i write well. well.. i was. ahha

Newborn Hello

Hello world of bloggers,

I wish to join the ranks of the bloggers of the world and add my thoughts to the intangible cloud of thoughts that is the blogger's universe. I may be verbose and lack eloquence at times but I'll try my best to capture your attention as you read.

Intro
Perfectionality. Strange name. I think so too. But I thought it was clever putting perfectionism and personality together. You see I started this page after a Renew session on 3/1 that took us through Pride and how it affected our spiritual lives. One way was through perfectionism and how we try to earn our self worth through our achievements and recognition through our peers. I don't remeber every single detail but thats how it went. We value the acknowledgement of men rather than the acceptance of God. I've come to recognize that this was my problem and chose to write about how much my days suck because they don't go according to plan and how worthless I am because I suck at so many things. Haha. Well we shall see how this goes and hopefully God will work through this blog and keep it alive so that it doesn't join the other xanga corpses that I've accumulated over my life.

Well here goes nothing!

Humbly yours,

Alex Sin