Unaltered

Disclaimer: This entry may be long. It is a journal entry I wrote during the All Nighter.

So I've been keeping up with ME240, ME250, and Hist 218. ME211 has been my black sheep. So far I've missed about 4-5 homeworks out of a possible 12 or 14. It's horrible. I've done horribly on the test, homeworks are incredibly time consuming, I never start early and I procrastinate with the other things in my life. I could get angry, bitter, even apathetic about the situation. But I feel the best thing to do is stay calm. And let my thoughts flow. emotions never got anything done. They may fuel things but they never start nor finish.

So here I am. Test grades none too outstanding and desperately needing a change in my life. I still have feelings of failure and bitterness and anger. But all that they lead to is apathy. "Meh, I'll do better next time"; "It wasn't too bad, I have time". Those thoughts are nothing but procrastination. When did I become like this? When did I let myself go? I had good grades before college. 90's, and 70's were death in my eyes. I never settled for anything else than 95 or above. And I could reach them too. It wasn't that the material was amazingly easy either. I paid attention. I was forced to go to class and do Hw and do well on tests. I need accountability. But Fuck all that. I've been through this last year. Blah blah, I need to change. Blah. I've seen and I've thought these thoughts already. Too many times for comfort. What happened to me? What happened!?!? God answer me. Teach me how to fix me. The problem is, I know what will and can fix me. I refuse to do it. Pride? Self esteem? What's holding me back? It's become impossible for me to be a student. Nothing excites me anymore. And this could be a form of pride too. God I'm fucked up. What am I doing here? I'm paying money to fail. I've hurt so many other people around me. Here's that thought again. That "buzz" word. Maturity - thinking of others before oneself. Time and time again it's been the most logical answer. It is the most logical answer. Who will take care of me? God, my family, my friends. Logical, completely logical isn't it? Yea it is but can't seem to plant it into my heart. Impossible! I've linked emotions to God and my relationship with Him. I need to change it. God wait for me. Or rather change me now. I have no time to lose or else my depravity and everything I've written about will take course again. Do something about it Alex! God! I'm going to wrestle your power out of you. I can't wait anymore. Keep the fire going. I can't wait anymore.
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Ok so I was thinking. We have limited time for everything. Our days are numbered. So we should go get everything that we need and want and stop wasting time. Of course it doesn't mean that we get everything that we want, it should be backed up with the wisdom of God. So, in our humility, we have no power. God is sovereign and all powerful and we have to depend on God for our strength due to our depravity and sins. Ok revelation. We can now get anything and everything we need because we have God behind us. Yes? Make sense? And as we knock and seek, we should take an initiative stance. We have to show God that we want it. nobody will just give it to us. So that might work for material things and stuff but how do you get intangible things? Like faith, determination, passion, etc. How? Do you act upon that and have faith that we will be changed as we practice? It seems I'm answering my own questions. God is here with me and speaking to me it seems. Praise the Lord! Sigh. But I still have my doubts. How long will this conviction last? Prayer will make it more concrete in my life. Makes sense. The devil will take that and attack me and put water on my fire. My own depravity will make me put water on the fire. God help me. I radio in for help. "Broken Arrow!" Send your angels. Put me on the frontlines so I may grow as quickly as you let me. Take my doubts away from me because you will always take care of me. My prayer.
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So talking to my LCG. My next step is to FULLY understand what God's love for me is; understand what it means when God loves me and gave His son for me. Then everything else will fall into place. Have you thought about that before? Do you know for sure that God loves you outside of the head knowledge? Can you say fully in your heart that you understand what God did out of love?