Fly into the sun

rock bottom. so thats how you feel. it isnt nice. youre not nice. you make me angry and despair at the state of my life. you have brought me to my knees, no my back, as i lay down in this chasm that i had dug with my fingers. my hands lay beside me, bloody with their nails ripped clean off; i didnt notice them until now. they hurt. my skin is full of scratches and cuts. my clothes have diminished to nothing but rags. the rocks that i bumped into cut deep into me and now im just a bloody dirty mess laying defeated at the bottom of this hole that i had dug. im tired. i felt like i was alone. all alone hurting and sore from the digging. sigh. i dont care anymore. i can just die here.

i sit back up and feel this new strength. confused, i try and remember the last time that i had eaten. it had been days, even weeks. baffled, i stood up and the hole didnt seem so big anymore. the sun was shining right into my ditch. i looked at my hands and my body. they werent so bloody anymore and not as painful. had i even hurt myself? this cant possibly be happening, this is impossible. but i look around. im not in the ditch anymore. im in my room and the sun is shining directly into the window. the curtains part and i could see the new morning. the beautiful sun rising powerfully to call the new day unto its feet. none can contest the power of the sun as it calls the new day and all other living things rose to their feet as i had done and participated in the start of such a beautiful day. then friends surrounded me. i had friends. i didnt notice that before. people care about me. where did that come from? they love me for who i am and welcome me back into life.

how is this possible? whats happening? how come i havent noticed it until now? my life has become so valuable. so worth fighting to keep. so worth the pain and the hardships that keep me down. my friends, my life, my community, my life group; they shine brighter than the most valuable gem. i want to keep this. i love where i am now. this is what i want. dont take it away from me. GOD smiles and helps me up to my feet. His words strengthen me and my legs so that i could walk. He tells me to run. He tells me to sprint. He tells me to fly. He tells me that he loves me. He tells me that this power is a gift. He tells me to Protect this new treasure that i had found, to protect it with all that i am and that He is with me every step of the way. He equips me and sends me on my way.

I smile. I see now. I get it. God has been there all the time. HA! rock bottom. I laugh at you. But thanks. Now I can move up. Thanks for being rock bottom, now all I can do is go up. I pick myself up from the dirt floor, bloody hands and all. I stand as I spread my wings and fly away into the sky.

Cracks

When I think of cracks, this image usually finds its way into my mind. I see lines and sections of the dirt split into arid and crusted clusters gasping for water.
So far this week, God has been showing me these cracks.

There is a certain beauty that even cracks and imperfections can form and that beauty is well captured in this photo I found. God has shown me this beauty in myself. When I can acknowledge and accept that these cracks are there, the beauty of grace and mercy flow through and shape the core of who I am becoming and the painting of this masterpiece God is creating within me. I am able to approach God and gain intimacy and love even with these obvious cracks and imperfections within my character.

I realize everyday how messed up I am. How much I lack in self control and how much I compensate with baseless pride. This word and concept, pride, embodies the struggle of man striving to have a relationship with God. In just five small letters, pride covers all our shortcomings; all our idols; all our monuments; all our masks; and all our excuses that we hold on to in an effort to cover up our sinfulness. But that pride has no weight, it has no base for it to stand on and becomes the house on the sand and falls away easily to the storms of the sea.

When our pride falls, we are left uncomfortable and in painful anxiety without a foundation to fall back on. Thus we seek more and more houses; more and more monuments and idols to fill our bags in preparation for the times when our temporary pedestals crumble beneath us just to fill that void with yet another temporary support.

I think that's why it's so hard for us to surrender. We feel that uncertainty and painful anxiety for the unknown when we don't replace the crumbling support with yet another temporary structure. We are afraid of the fall into our sinfulness that is so repulsive to us that we would spend the rest of our lives in search for a permanent replacement, blind to the fact that there is no permanent support that will lift us up. We are so afraid of the depths we fail to realize that there is nothing there but love and mercy from God the Father personalized for each of us. We have to reach down into the depths of our sinfulness to fully get a grasp on it. It will always be out of reach even if we reach down while hanging on to our earthly supports. So God demands that we let go of our earthly pride and fall down into a permanent foundation that will never fall away.

Did you know that the reason why the dirt cracks is due to dehydration? All you need to do in order to fix those cracks is to pour some water back into the land and it will become smooth and perfect. Imagine what will happen to the land when the life giving power of the Living Water of Christ is poured out upon the land.

I know that God has been pouring and I've been accepting, and transformation has been a constant and obvious part of my life. Imagine what would happen to you if that water was poured out and accepted into your own desert of cracks.

Dying

Aren't we called to Die to Ourselves? What gives us the right to make it all about us? We are sinful beings beyond compare and we have such pride to ask and expect the world to be good to us. We as christians are called to give selflessly as Christ has done. Aren't we called to live up to the figures of selflessness that we have seen in the past? Gandhi, Mother Teresa, and of course Jesus Christ? I am struggling with doing that myself as the Holy Spirit is working within me but it pains me to see my fellow brothers and sisters not doing the same. All I can do is to pray and have faith that God will work in them and challenge them to die to themselves.

When will this 'me' society turn into a 'them' society? When?

Prayer is a powerful thing. God has lifted my burden.

My academics are in a mess .

My character is a mess.

My relationships are in a mess.

My life is a mess.

The word MESS does great justice in describing the state of my life currently. I feel as though I'm trying to dig out from under these hooks and weights that latch onto me as I clumsily walk down my path of life. They get heavier and messier, as the chains that cover me form knots just to spite me and make it more difficult to get off of me. Sooner or later, I'll become some kind of 'chain-y' beast walking very slowly down the road.

The nerd in me tells me that that metaphor isn't enough for what I'm feeling right now.

Chess Reference

So. When a person is playing chess, they tend to play with a plan. They develop their major pieces and make sure that their opponent doesn't mess with their plan. But if at some point, mistake is made or the opponent gets the better of the player, the player will be in a state of confusion. Their plan has fallen through and they must scrounge for scraps that can be salvaged or start anew with the pieces in their positions. In other words, the player doesn't have many options other than feel like crap and get frustrated at the fact that the board is now in a mess for them. It's a feeling of AHH wtf dammit #)($*%@* crap im frustrated what the heck now its so much work to get back to winning gahhh urrgghh blarggh. You get the point.

But God is good. I'm sure I prayed for this at some point. He's revealing the things that are wrong with me. I'm glad to be learning from this and I can proudly say that God is good.

Transformed

I have been brought up into the light. I have seen the holes that I have been digging. Now is the time to Praise the Lord.

In Love

We as Christians are people in love. It's unexplainable, love is unexplainable and transcends all logical explanation. God is love and we are people in love with Him. Life should be joyful and soaked with love. Remember the first time that we had a crush on someone? Or that first kiss? Our hearts should constantly flutter and butterflies should dance in our stomachs as we live our lives surrounded by God's love. All other things should fade to grey, as they say.

It's really easy to spot people in love. It is shown in movies, shows, and even everyday life. It's a proven fact that love is noticeable. I believe that when pastors or other people say that christians should be different than non-believers, this aspect of love in our lives should be that apparant difference.

I feel like that this is just the beginning of this realization. It will build upon itself throughout this year.

Live life in love

FaithFULL God

My prayers are being answered whether I like it or not. It's amazing to see the power and sovereignty that God has over my life and it's becoming more and more evident as this year progresses.

I feel it in my bones, this year is going to be intense. I am witnessing so many conceptions of programs and movements within the church that reflect the prayers that I desperately cried out during one of my many encounters with God. For instance: the new focus on the Gospel that I longed to know better; the newly initiated Men's ministry that focus on what it means to be a Man of God; and even the intensity of the new year mixed with the things I've learned over the summer.

Some parts of me are excited for the coming change and the things that I will learn and make mine this coming year. But most of me is kicking and screaming in the face of the overwhelming wave of changes and vulnerability that God will push me into.

Even the things I've learned this summer have been resurfacing. God has been making sure that I don't forget the valuable things I've learned this past Spring semester and this summer. I can say that this summer has been the most valuable and fruitful experiences that I've had in this life and God is making sure that it will follow me for the rest of it. For instance, the fact, and very painfully true fact, is the fact that I baby myself too much. I claim to be a man but my actions provide unfailing evidence that I speak falsely. I value my sleep and rest more than my work at times and I continuously uncover the rotting corpses that pull at my life and embody the consequences that I reap from my actions. I learned that my body and mind are stronger than I allow myself to believe but the comfortable life that I lead before still attaches itself onto my subconscious and refuses to let go. Only the strength of God is able to wrench the vice-like grips of the lethargic spirit off my soul and to allow me to walk freely in the light of God.

Praise be to God that our mind and bodies are able to strengthen after hard times. Our experiences act as reinforcing layers that continue to add to the God given strength of our psyche and body. Our once frail minds and bodies are covered with the grace and love of God that allow us to absorb harsh times and grow still stronger from it like the stout tree that adds layers and layers of bark around its vulnerable core to shield itself from future adversities. That is why we should welcome hardships and trying times as we will rise again as the phoenix does; stronger still. I still need to make this a part of my life and thoughts as I still fail at the hands of everyday life.

But now I have hope. God in His faithfulness and sovereignty will ensure that I will remember all these things and prepare me for the road ahead. All that is left is for me to act and have faith in the works He is doing. Simple instructions but they only serve as tips of their respective symbolic icebergs.

Hope. Act. Faith. Prayer. Love. So much to grow.

This Feeling

Right now I'm feeling this feeling. I don't know how to describe it. All I know is that it's not such a good feeling. It's similar to a feeling of loneliness or emptiness. Or maybe its regret. I don't know. All I know is that it's not a nice feeling. How do I get rid of this stupid feeling? Maybe the Powerful Love of the Gospel is not yet strong in my life yet. I don't seem to be able to grab onto it as strongly as others do. What's hindering me? I want to get rid of this stupid feeling. GAH this is annoying. I hope that God will speak to me soon. Time to pray I guess. Sigh I want a hug.

---update---
So I did pray and stuff. God is Gracious and it's true. Several minutes after, I was talking to Eunil on Gchat about this and how it was confusing and horrible at the same time. But then God provided in many ways. During my conversation via gchat, one of my friends I haven't seen for a while came by the fishbowl and said hi. Then another person that I haven't seem for a while sat right in front of my computer.

We talked for a bit and the feeling eventually went away. Then God gave me a realization. When we desire some form of fulfillment of the emptiness that we have from our relationship with God, He fills it with friends and family. I believe it is because we cannot have a direct, meaning heaven-like, relationship with Him here on Earth He provides our direct need with people. Ahh.. God is good.

some quick thoughts

a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down

is it wrong to be idealistic? is it too ideal? is it ok to be idealistic?

it seems big things like the sky and the ocean tend to calm people down.

money tends to dilute the motivation of many things. such as music, service, business, etc.

love is a necessity of life.

first step of growing up is to see outside of yourself. being able to use your mind to experience the needs of others over yours.

integrity is hot.

fruits of the spirit Galations 5:22-23.

how does one go about changing the world with idealistic motives? or even just changing the world at all?

emotion hinders and empowers. one needs to learn how to control such a powerful impetus.

My Quotes(?)

A man is not defined by age, but rather by his character.

Knowledge of purpose and the skill of control of ones body and mind are keys to mastering any skill.

to be continued?...

I got a question for you.

How do you begin to take down an illegal and immoral international organization that has infected such a large part of the world?

Human trafficking. We can kill everyone involved but that would take forever and probably take away a good quarter of the earth's population. How do we do it peacefully? Is there a way to go about it? The movie TAKEN enlightens the viewer of the viral organization that is human trafficking and exposes the horrors and simply grotesque features of the monstrosity. It is natural that one begins to think if there is anyway to cure or treat this earthly virus more fearsome than the HIV virus to which we are so accustomed. The earth cries in agony as this virus still spreads as strongly as ever, it pleads for an antidote to such powerful poison that eats away at its inhabitants that it so loves. What can we, the people who abhorr such gruesome actions contribute to the much needed cure or at least treatment of this matter? Have we even concerned ourselves with such an illness that is common knowledge? I for one do not know of such a movement except for Call and Response that our church contributed to this past year. However, it was hard to get involved emotionally and mentally to a topic that was hard to emphatize with. But I digress.

I honestly do not know where or how to begin. Do you have an idea?

Born to Run

BORN TO RUN by Christopher McDougall is an amazing book! You should all go read it! We are all born to run and it explains the reasons behind such an awesome conclusion!

Go look for some reviews. I can't write one yet, almost done though.

Imagination

I feel that my imagination isn't what it used to be back when I was a kid.

I was watching some Japanese Animated movies and was awed by the philisophical and creative aspects that were cleverly intertwined and explained in subtle tones throughout the movie. I realize that as I have grown older, I have begun to appreciate and see the hard work and thinking processes required to create and sculpt such works of art and creativity. The movies then got me thinking, "What is it about the Japanese, or even the respective artists, that allow them to dwell in such landscapes of thought and creativity to build such things of art?"

I noticed that the Japanese movies that I have seen have a lot to do with spirituality and came to compare with the American movies that lack that kind of spirituality. I may be the only one but I appreciate the emphasis on the spirituality of all things that I have seen in these movies. I should also point out that the movies that I talk about are movies from the Ghibli Studio and to just mention, the Evangelion Movie that was heavily soaked in religion and philosophy. These movies may be heavy for some but as Jesus talks about quite often, I feel that I am becoming more adept at noticing the message under all the metaphors and parables in some things. As people say, "practice makes perfect" and these movies help a lot.

Movies are made for entertainment but they have the curious power to influence and teach. Thinking through the movies, I notice how the creators and writers of the movies emphasize some aspect of society or even the importance of nature and the harmony we must live with it. Then I realize the power and ability of the creator to influence the thinking of the viewers, to point out the good and bad people, and even direct the audience's sense of wrong and right. It's a big responsiblity and power to have such an ability with just 1.5-2 hours of someone's time.

I wonder where my imagination went? Is it because my imagination was surpressed by the practical and physical needs of this culture and society? Was I taught to leave my imagination behind and live in this reality that supresses such a gift? Some say that the imagination is the key to the future survival of this world and that it is the means of paving the road to such a future. But I feel that this generation may lack in that power and tool to harness such a destiny. I, for one feel the lack of imagination that I have in my life. I really do wonder what happened to it.

Pastor Seth says that we, as Christians, should be as creative, if not, more creative than such artists and masters of the art. But where has that all gone? What are we so focused on that such creativity has been surpressed? I honestly forgot the reason as to why he said such a statement, so can anyone remind me?

So where has our creativity and imagination gone? I'm still looking for mine. I hope I haven't lost it completely! Where is yours?

P.S. Even in classical music...Why can't composers today create masterpieces on par with the masters of the past?

Teaching...

...requires a lot of patience and love.

Basically the fruits of the Spirit!
Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-control. We say those every morning with the kids. It's fun, since I'm teaching 8th graders and I'm the only fool yelling out SELF-CONTROL when my grade is called ;). It's ok though, I got a sticker for my grade. Waking up early tomorrow again! I gotta learn how to sleep earlier...

I feel I got a bit more patience through just the past week. But I can't say for sure, so I guess I'll just keep on trucking. I hope everyone else is having a great summer too! We're going bowling this Friday!

Relapse

Apologies to all that prayed for me on this thermo test. I take all the blame. I relapsed into lazyness and stupidity and I beg for forgiveness for my failure to keep myself in check. I ask for forgiveness to my God as well, He has provided for me in many more ways than possible and I pull this one out of my arse. Well the final is still coming and rest assured, I have found my head again and have screwed it on tightly and glued it with superglue that I may never loose it again. God willing the glue will hold for longer than just this spring semester.

Forgive me. I fail a lot.

Internet readings

I probably wouldn't have ever predicted that I would be at Pierpont Commons reading the book of Matthew on BibleGateway.com a few months ago. But then again, the future is hard to predict.

I left my math class with a certain need to read and to my dismay and disappointment, I had left it at home and the bus had already left. Math ended early and I thought about reading my thermo textbook to start off some "early" studying for tomorrow's exam but turned to a computer and actually started to read. I'm actually amused at myself for doing this.

I discovered that reading Matthew with an intent to actually READ what the words meant, rather than skim through for the sake of "reading" for a monthly requirement, reaps many and full rewards for the mind and heart. Also getting a big picture of what Jesus is trying to teach at each speaking session or encounter is hard but I feel that it is necessary to even just try to get the grasp of the parables and metaphors he uses. I wish he just spoke in plain terms to make my life easier! Hahaha I guess if he did it would take away the fun of interpreting the bible.

Well I feel better now. I was overwhelmed after realizing the CRAPLOAD of things I had to do over the next few days, including moving out and packing and all that jazz are mixed in with finals and homework. I was seeking some specific ways that God could help me through that and to be honest, I was skimming and skipping through Matthew to see if I could find it somewhere, but I then realized that its probably not labeled anywhere haha. But I found an old verse that I've heard millions of times that should have popped into my head but didn't. Matt 6:34 - Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Basically, I read it as deal with today first you butthead! Oh and the verse before says to seek the kingdom first. So I guess reading Matthew on BibleGateway.com before class at Pierpont has some value of seeking the kingdom and I should be ok for now haha.

I should get ready for class.

Growing Up.

You never stop growing up do you? When is it ever enough? When do you 'grow' up? It's too late. I may elaborate later.

Great Day

I took an adventure today. I lack the experience and the words necessary to describe all my feelings and the things I saw vividly but I will try my best to share my experience with all of you.

Went out on my rollerblades once again to get some air and exercise after a whole day of staying inside. Stepping out in the evening air was as refreshing as it was two days ago in my previous outing. I headed to Palmer again, thinking I should do what I did last time.

The sky was yet again on fire, as if the sun lit it aflame during its last attempts to stay perched in the open sky. The clouds lined the skyline, contrasting the multitude of colors, as though they were the last few brush marks God the Creator had left as He finished up His daily masterpiece. I flew by Palmer field, engulfed in the beauty I was privileged to experience. I thought to myself, I should go exploring today, get lost on purpose and find my way back. I headed towards North Campus guided by nothing else but the wind on my back.

Surprisingly, the ride to North Campus was very short. Frankly, I was disappointed, I had thought the adventure would prove more fruitful than what I had experienced. Determined not to turn back until I had gotten my fill of the evening air, I took a right rather than the usual left that lead into North Campus and traveled on the road that looked as if it had been neglected by travelers and left to ponder its own loneliness. I smiled and chose to provide the road with a grateful traveler.

I rollerbladed down the road lined with trees and shrubbery. I didn't think I would come across such vegetation in Ann Arbor. I was pleasantly surprised and continued along the road towards a direction that guided me to places unknown.

It was beautiful. The strong noble trees protecting the delicate flowers that had bloomed to decorate the gentle arrival of spring. The air smelled of grass and flowers and the trees boasted of health and strength through their aroma. I smiled and took off my earphones. I heard my breathing, my wheels going over the pavement, the birds singing, and the silent consent of the trees around me and I felt at peace. My heart was filled with the sunshine and the nature around me that I thought I would burst at the slightest touch. Peace and joy mixed within me to create such a bliss that filled my being that I couldn't help but skate along with the most goofiest smile on my face, taking in all that my surroundings had to offer. I was at home. I was at peace with the world and I had found my joy.

I traveled beyond signs and traffic lights and came upon the Northwood housing complexes and the grasses and trees that surrounded it as a mother surrounded her child with such care. I continued along as the Northwood blue bus rushed past me, throwing a gust of wind my way as a greeting to a companion in the open air. I continued down the road into the undiscovered parts of the campus.

The wind whispered its kind and joyful song in my ears and the beating of my heart served as its metronome. I was engulfed in this otherworldly experience that I had accidental fell into and I was elated to have made such a beautiful accident. But the sun was going down and I had to head home. My heart tugged at the other roads left unexplored but promised that I would return to tread on their lonely pavement and offer them my companionship some other day.

I headed back on the main route back to Central Campus and came at a crossroad. I was sad to have cut my journey up north short and decided that taking that wrong turn now wouldn't be so bad since it was so close to central. So I eventually made my way back to Regents through the nooks and crannies that make up the fringes of Central.

Well I hope that my words did a good enough job of describing what I did today. I was going to write more about what I thought about but the train of though has broken. Maybe I'll indulge in them once again at another time.

Solitude

I like being alone.

I was alone at the house for the first time today. My other housemates left for the prayer gathering and I had decided to stay back and study for the test I have tomorrow. I started studying and went on for a good hour but it was getting frustrating and I had to get outside. Reading Robbie's post on my Facebook asking if I still rollerbladed, I thought it would be good to go out for a roller-run. I strapped my blades on and left the house for Palmer Field.

The weather was amazing. The sun was just setting and left streaks of orange and red that contrasted beautifully against the still light blue sky. I pushed my legs and rolled off closer and closer to Palmer Field.

There were people already there, well good weather in Ann Arbor is hard to come by, it's pretty much expected of people to go outside and run around. People were playing soccer and jogging around the track. I decided to go join in the good run around the track. Being on rollerblades is so fun, it has been a while and I had forgotten the wind and the feel of rolling over the ground. Not surprisingly, I overestimated my stamina and physical state and started off too strong and my diaphragm started hurting with the stress of breathing at a pace faster than normal. I chuckled at how out of shape I was and decided to push on.

Rollerblading or even running gives you a lot of time to think and to just internalize everything you're feeling and you eventually don't notice anything else but yourself. It's a peaceful feeling. I rollerbladed for about an hour straight, varying in my speed and exertion and finally headed home, hungry and in need of a shower.

After I cleaned myself up, I headed over to my kitchen counter and leaned against it, wondering what I should make. I had planned to make some rice and mix it with an egg and some soy sauce, an age-old quick recipe I had learned from my mother, but I thought why not try something adventurous and took out the chicken and defrosted it.

Well eventually it wasn't that creative or adventurous but I would say it was a success! I didn't burn anything down and it was edible. Satisfied with my success, I sat down with my plate and a bowl full of kimchi and chowed down. All the while, my laptop was booming music. I don't know what I would do without music in my life. I would probably go crazy from the lack of music, I could go all day with my ears plugged and think nothing of it.

I'm at peace at home, alone with myself and the music that flows out from the mega ipod earphones that my sister bought me for Christmas. I feel a sense of peaceful joy at the solitude of the house, all by myself. It's a feeling that I cannot describe in words; if I tried it would take ages to type this up and I can't, I have to finish studying for an exam haha.

I would say that the second half of today has been the best day since spring semester started. With that being said, I'm going to go delve into first differential equations and such so that I can battle trig functions equiped with characteristic equations and Euler as an ally. I bid you adieu until next time.

I'm Terrified

I can't hold responsibility. I know I can't carry through on my word most the time. I'm terrified.

I just came back from talking with my advisor and the head of the Scholastic Standing Committee and providing a sufficient argument as to why I should be able to take Spring classes. I had an hour to kill so I went into the Duderstadt to write about what I'm feeling at the moment and I feel terror. Horror at the possibility that I might fuck this up so bad that I will be forced to be on Mandatory Leave next Fall Semester if I don't do well this Spring. I've been given a chance to petition and be reinstated for Spring term and a chance to take the classes that I need. And all I felt after leaving the meeting wasn't hope or joy at the fact that I got another chance, it was a terrible burden and fear that I felt at the huge pressure of the consequence that would immediately follow my failure. I am completely terrified that I won't be able to do well on my classes.

People may tell me; "You can do it!", "God will help you!", "Don't worry you're capable of anything if you try!". I don't want to hear any of the generic phrases that people tell each other to get them "through" the day. I don't know what those words mean. I can't "do it". My previous activities and endeavors have all ended in failure and thats what got me to this place I am in now. I am not "capable" of this at the moment, but I've been given a chance and the only thing I know is that I am completely capable of screwing it up.

So to the people who are gracious enough to even glance at the words I write on this, I need more than simple words of encouragement. I know they mean well and that those words are to help me along but right now I need more than that, more than just simple encouraging words. I need to know how God will be able to pull me through this. Specific things. I confess that I draw a blank for practical solutions that relate to God at the moment, and that I lack the faith right now. But I am simply terrified.

Life Group,

Men's LIFE group. Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam. I have high hopes for this term! woo!

Flames of Matches

Amidst the fire and passion of an extraordinary purpose,
all other concerns dwindle down
to mere shadows.

Do we live like that anymore? Do we have that roaring,
brilliant flame of purpose among our collection of pursuits?
Or have we dwelt in the dimness for far to long
to be left nearsighted and content, occupied with dying matches?

Thomas

Thomas woke up one morning and realized that his life was falling apart. His bed was bleeding out stuffing and the room was cold enough to freeze nitrogen; the window had been open all night. It was a small room, space enough to fit his twin size bed and the sofa. The floor was painted with his clothes and belongings; colors and shapes against the brown carpet canvas that depicted his messy mannerisms as if it were a piece of art. He reached for his laptop on the crate near his bed and chose to ignore the cold and hunger once again, it was a typical morning.

The computer awoke with soft whirring noises and made its acquaintance with the conscious world. Thomas, waiting for the laptop to fully boot up, closed his eyes and took a breath of the frigid air to clear his mind.

He had to work today. Work and two extra training sessions so he could keep his job. Hopefully those two sessions will bring up his value in the company and give the uppers at least two reasons to keep him. Thomas had to do well on those sessions, he had failed on the job too much already. If not he had one more year of room so he could improve in the upcoming season.

The laptop had finished booting and Thomas opened up the web browser to check his email. His eyes glanced at each title; "Blah blah spam blah blah", "more spam blah", "Urgent Job Standing". His eyes grew wider when they glanced over the last title and the morning grogginess had suddenly disappeared. He slowly and precisely dragged his mouse over the link and clicked, hoping it would be good news. The words contained inside spoke otherwise; he was on Employment Withheld. He is to be denied re-employment in the next year and the two sessions that he will be taking may be denied as well. The words also described his deadline for a petition to be reinstated into the payroll of the company and that he may face unemployment in the next coming months. Fucked. Royally fucked. That's what he was.

Breathing was becoming harder, the shallow breaths could not subdue the incoming anxiety and panic that was going to hit him like an oncoming train. What's he going to do now? What's the situation on the two sessions? His mind raced with possibilities of unemployment, living on the streets, abandonment by his close friends; the shame and despair were becoming unbearable. There was no control in his situation. Absolutely stripped of his control and laid out bare at the mercy of the Employment Board and the chances of the world, Thomas felt helpless and incredibly weak.

His eyes darted back and forth, shadows of the racing thoughts in his head trying to understand what to do next, what will happen, what is going to become of him, and why is this happening to him?! In all the timing in the world, why now? His heart climbing into his throat, denying all the air around him, Thomas lay in panic. Lifeless on the bed with his laptop by his side, he didn't know what else to do but weep.

I woke up one morning and realized that my life was falling apart.

I've been grumpy

Grumpy puppy says I should stop being grumpy and cheer the fuck up.

Sorry to anybody if I've been grumpy towards you and hurt you in anyway.

Homeless.

I'm homeless in Ann Arbor as of May 2, 2009. I'm grumpy, tired, and extremely dirty up until about 5 minutes ago. Generosity of kind older brothers is amazing. Morning prayer tomorrow! Being homeless can make you very cranky. I may be able to appreciate the comfort of a home more now though.

Packing Days

So I'm still packing on the day of the move out. The slowest packer alive known to man. I'm sorry to say, but I have a roughly C- average this term and I would like to let that be known so that when I get them A's over the spring, OR if I slack over the spring, I can be slapped upside the head and be put back into motion. And those A's will be the more sweeter. FML but it's ok. I'm going to go finish packing now, it's gonna be a doozy.

And for you orgo freaks out there. FML

College

Education in college is so unforgiving. One little mistake and you have a long way to fall.

Morning

I had forgotten what the morning looked like.

I walked down from north campus today. Took me a good forty minutes but it was worth it. The sunshine reflected off of everything, illuminating and sharpening the colors and details of anything that the sun rays caressed. I couldn't help but smile at the wonder of the morning around me. North campus is beautiful if you let it be. The trees, the flowers, and the grass simply color every part of it.

I love the wind on a sunny day. I had to slow down my pace to a snail's pace everytime my skin felt the rushing energy of the wind passing by me on its way towards its next destination. I was invigorated by everything around me. A certain peace came over my heart and mind. The test that I had most probably failed had no more effect on me. The peace of the sunshine and the wind was enough.

I should wake up early more often.

Life [LIVE]

Life is just so hard. We need more love in our lives.




I want to love. Who doesn't want to love? Might just clear some of the hate away.
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Check that. Love is hard. Even with close friends. I look at my friends now while I'm trying to study and all I feel is annoyance and hate because all they're doing is fooling around so I had to write it down somewhere. It's hard. I'm annoyed at my test material right now too. Sigh. I'm gonna go take a walk.

Twitter-like input.

I wonder if everyone in the world came together and exposed themselves to each other's thinking processes, we would obtain world peace. Keep an open mind. Think for yourself.

Rationale

Think about it. Life brings people down too easily. Isn't it better to just have no emotions so that you grow hard against the world and it can't keep cutting you to draw the blood from you? Failures, deaths, stress, and everything that brings someone down to their knees should be all mosquito bites because we've bumped shoulders for many many years now. Don't we usually grow callused to things that are repetitive? When will my calluses set in. When will I learn that forming calluses aren't very pleasant? Jesus tells us to have soft warm hearts but the world is in cohort with ourselves and the vulnerable emotions within us to break us and bring us down. We harden up and eventually break. But then God comes in and fixes us. Do we still see the cracks underneath the glue? Or is God just that good of a repairman that we don't see the scars and learn nothing from it? Or do we choose to block out the cracks and scars so we don't remember any of it? Do we go back to being soft hearted? How does God soften our hearts? Does He even grow tired of it all? Because I'm sure a major part of the world grows extremely tired of it all the breaking then fixing. Do we just fix ourselves most the time with the instructions that God has given us? Do we patch ourselves back together all alone? If we do then we have to learn to accept the cracks and scars and wear them proudly because we were able to live through them. But that itself is the hardest task. But I see that then is the time when God's love comes in. Loving us in spite of the cracks and scars. His love is so weird that He values scars and cracks over the perfect. So illogical and irrational to the human mind and understanding that it's hard to accept. How do we live by and practice by what we don't understand? How do we begin to change that train of thought? Do we begin to accept and revel in failures with the fact that it will eventually be fixed and loved? I think if we do then we have to keep in mind that seeking failures isn't the right thing to do.

So then. Live life. Be engulfed in the love that finds beauty and love in the failures and scars. Practice to make that your life rather than what you have lived by for the past several years. Fail, rinse, repeat.

I Haven't Written Anything in a While

It's been busy and easier to keep everything to myself but I'd say the ol' blog deserves a new post today. So I have nothing really planned on what to write about in this one but we'll see where it takes me.

Music moves me. Good music. Lyrical, beats, melody, rhythm. I'm pretty sure that I was metronome in my past life I love a good beat. Mix that with melody that has crazy rhythm and lyrics that actually need to be picked apart and interpreted, you have my heart. Lyrics and beats drive me through the river of time that links everything together. It branches into the bigger stream of flow and meter and carries me into the complex chaos of harmony of notes and of various frequencies. It flows over my skin as i float down that river. Covers me in notes and vibrations of the sound frequencies and forms a different skin in my soul. It moves me and moves my body in the flow and elegance that is music. Music is my band aid, my second skin, my body armor against stress and this tangible world. It gives me images and colors of another world that speaks through sound and flow of the beats and pitches of music. Mmm. Music is my anti drug.

Thinking is a very effective skill to have. Thinking for yourself is the most powerful weapon you can have. Whens the last time you thought out things in your head with yourself. Nothing crazy, but just who you are how you work and you perspective. Refine that. Sharpen that skill. Then nothing can stand in your way. Oh and be flexible. The world is bigger than you are. More minds and thoughts than you can change unless you can adapt. The world will never adapt to us but we have to adapt and change it from underneath. Think, think hard about it. Question yourselves and your thoughts and emerge as a solidified tower of thought with a better foundation that can bend like a sapling in the strong winds but still come out standing tall.

My thoughts.

My...

Leg hurts. Why you ask?


because Mythbusters is awesome.

Oh and Pokemon 2000 with Lugia is awesome too

this brought back incredible memories of my childhood and just pokemon adventures I had in my head. haha

Sorry I think I'm due to write something serious soon.

Brutality is its Name

Helps you to see how messed up the mad world is eh?

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=87378000024

EvolRobo

Hrm.

I should write something soon.

Inexpressible

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Ahh. Whatever. I give up. Life is frustrating and complicated. Let's just leave it at that f_ck_d up excuse.

Drinkability? No. Just Drunkallkjdlk,fty....

It is 3:10AM. I'm currently at this moment in time sitting comfortably in a fish bowl chair drowsily trying to string words together. They say that if you are significantly sleep deprived, you begin to feel the symptoms of being intoxicated. I can definitely say it is like being drunk; if being drunk is an impending headache, extreme lack of focus, and sleepiness.

Now to the problem at hand. I am in this situation due to a fire alarm that turned out to be the real thing with fire trucks and flooded parts of the West Quad basement. I'm assuming that it's taking hours because they have to search the whole premises to locate the problem then solve it. Now. IF we had employed the Amazing Squirtle Squad Fire Brigade to patrol the hallowed halls of West Quad, we the West Quadians, would not be in such a taxing situation. They would be diligent in enforcing the fire safety rules with a stern SQUIRTLE!! to the rebellious souls that play with fire. You see, Squirtles are super effective against fire and would be a very effective solution to any fiery situation. Their hard shells would also serve as excellent protection against burning debris and stay in danger until the job was done. All they would require would be Pokeballs furnished with an indoor pool, jacuzzi, and an LCD Widescreen with which they would watch old episodes of Pokemon with their fellow pocket monsters and laugh about the good old days.

Yes I understand that the previous paragraph is extremely ridiculous and completely impossible to carry out. And I understand that the reference to the Squirtle Squad will only make sense to the Pokemon fans out there, and what I've written will further prove that I may have been under the influence of a certain substance while writing this post. But I ensure you, I am only suffering from sleep deprivation and Nurse Joy will be here shortly to see what she can do about it. She may assign a Drowsee to put me to sleep every night to cure me of my insomnia and quite possibly an Alakazam to analyze my psychological state. After those treatments, I should be back to normal! Ah here she comes now with my dear friend Ash Ketchum and they tell me that the situation at West Quad has been resolved. Great! I should be able to get some sleep now.

Off to sleep now! I bid thee, World of Waking, adieu for I am off to visit Grandpa Slumber and listen to his tales and stories. I will walk among your inhabitants once again tomorrow. Good night!

Psychophysimentalsleepology

I'm tired. Test on Wednesday, homework due Tuesday, possible research paper to research for, meetings, and above all that, my sleeping schedule is messed up beyond recognition. I am a nocturnal being.

Oh well. I should go eat and do some laundry tomorrow. Nice day today though.

This guy will do the sleeping for me.

I Wish...

I wish I had the skill, grace, and eloquence of the Creator to draw the eager words from my mind and body and spin them into a masterpiece of thought and imagination; the creation of a living and breathing picture of words that form in the readers mind as they read the simple letters. Inanimate letters and words are given life and they begin to demonstrate their purpose and life all on their own. I wish I were an artist and these letters were my medium through which the world would see me. Letters forming words, words forming sentences, sentences forming images, images forming experiences and feelings taking you through who I am and what I am feeling.

Who are my teachers? Intellect? Emotion? Experience? Masters of patience and perseverance, they offer me tools to use but not how to use them coherently. Thoughts run wildly and uncontrollably running their own course and recruiting their own letters to serve them. Chaos and Dissonance free the thoughts and letters from their inhibitions and self control and cackle madly at the pandemonium they have caused. I am left deep in this bedlam left only with my reason and tools given to me. Where do I begin? How do I cultivate such chaos and dissonance into something coherent and beautiful?

I wish...I were better at sculpting my words.

Splatter Portrait

I'm just going to splatter thoughts on this blank canvas.

The past few days I've been feeling under the weather. Great weather actually. All the people can celebrate with me under the rays of the sun that finally decided to peak out from its blanket of frigid clouds and throw some warmth towards Ann Arbor. I can't begin to describe what a joy it was to take out my rollerblades and skate around the campus. I really love rollerblading. It might not be as vigorous of a workout as running is but the speed and just having wheels attached to your feet is a totally different experience. It's a pity though that Ann Arbor has horrible roads and few hills to take advantage of gravity. My wheels have been worn down too, but buying new ones would cost me about 40-50 dollars! My past paycheck was all spent on food so you can see where my priorities lie. Food over material things ha ha.

Let's see if I have any 'great' thoughts that I could paint onto this page.....

Well before that, Renew retreat is this Saturday. I've already done a third of a homework due on Friday. Work was enjoyable even though it was sunny outside and I was stuck inside. I found out that I am VERY (notice the capital letters) easily amused. I wonder if that is a good thing or not. Some say it's good that I can find joy in such simple things. On the other hand, I think it might reflect some sort of immaturity in character, but that's just how I think the other hand might be ha ha. For example. In Se7en's Girls, there is a line in which he describes his desire for a 'clone machine' in order to make six more of himself in order to have one 'Se7en' every day of the week...HA HA HA! I laugh every time I hear him sing that line. It's so ridiculous it makes me wonder what the writers were doing at the time. ha ha...clone machine..he he

My life just got a lot more complicated. New music has kindly stepped into my Ipod and I now enjoy the company of several new Korean pop songs that also include Girls that I mentioned before. I have a test coming up next week, started kind of studying for it today which was a good thing. Got a meeting with Pastor Pete on Sunday. Going to the 58 Greene concert to support fellow A Capella enthusiasts. My classes are getting more interesting now that I actually actively show interest in them. Who knew it would be that easy huh?

I've run out of thoughts to splatter. End!

사랑인건 A Puzzle Piece

God's love is supposed to be amazing. I have yet to experience it.

What is this love that Christians talk about? What is this great 'love' that sets Christianity apart from the other religions? Who among the followers of Christ can give a personal, own-word, description of who God is to them and what His love for them? I for one, cannot even think about setting a foot on that path of description littered with words and emotions invoked by God love because it simply does not exist for me.

The Sunday school teachings are so simple. God loves me because the bible tells me so and sent His one and only son to die for our sins. Simply and beautifully sung by the tattered and frayed bible verse inhabiting the back of our minds, John 3:16. 3:16 is so beaten and broken; so disheveled and distraught; that he has been used so flippantly. What is our first response against people who question our faith and loyalty to this religion? John 3:16. And yet we don't fully understand the whole extent of those few words describing God's love for us. There is no backing, no understanding that 3:16 deserves in our hearts rather than being simply banked in our minds.

Where is my foundation? Where are the words that are supposed to flow from my lips incessantly when asked about the 'love' God continuously flows unto me? I want to be able to shape the intangible and amorphous light of God in my life into something personal and comprehensible. I want to be able to understand the teachings of the bible that naturally flows from the understanding of that love. What I've learned so far is that God is a being that loves us and we are to love Him back. I personally can't say boldly that I do love Him. If I don't understand the love that is being given to me, how can I possibly begin to reciprocate it?

I desire to learn. I desire to understand. How can I start? What can I do? My view of God has been so blurry and altered by the window to God that I broke in the first place. My life has been a disappointment, one after the other. I see my faults all the time and I beat myself up for it. And in that way, I see my God as a strict and rebuking God. Not to say He isn't, but it just doesn't add up to the total portrait of His love painted by the words of Jesus and the prophets before me.

I have a long road ahead of me. I need to learn quickly, my life in college has only but two more years left. After that, I need to be able to stand on my own two feet. No more consistent church activities, no life group every week, and no more constant church community. I need to be able to get a job, cope with it, and even find a wife in the next 10 years of my life. Some wise pastor told me that your years get shorter because a year becomes just a fraction of your life. One more year for me is just a 1/20th more of the time I've spent here already. At 30, it will be just a 1/30th more of my life. I need to get going. I need to start exploring with my own two hands and feet and find the corner piece of the jigsaw puzzle so I can start building the foundation to the portait entitled 'Love'.

Then by faith, everything else will fall into place.

Unaltered

Disclaimer: This entry may be long. It is a journal entry I wrote during the All Nighter.

So I've been keeping up with ME240, ME250, and Hist 218. ME211 has been my black sheep. So far I've missed about 4-5 homeworks out of a possible 12 or 14. It's horrible. I've done horribly on the test, homeworks are incredibly time consuming, I never start early and I procrastinate with the other things in my life. I could get angry, bitter, even apathetic about the situation. But I feel the best thing to do is stay calm. And let my thoughts flow. emotions never got anything done. They may fuel things but they never start nor finish.

So here I am. Test grades none too outstanding and desperately needing a change in my life. I still have feelings of failure and bitterness and anger. But all that they lead to is apathy. "Meh, I'll do better next time"; "It wasn't too bad, I have time". Those thoughts are nothing but procrastination. When did I become like this? When did I let myself go? I had good grades before college. 90's, and 70's were death in my eyes. I never settled for anything else than 95 or above. And I could reach them too. It wasn't that the material was amazingly easy either. I paid attention. I was forced to go to class and do Hw and do well on tests. I need accountability. But Fuck all that. I've been through this last year. Blah blah, I need to change. Blah. I've seen and I've thought these thoughts already. Too many times for comfort. What happened to me? What happened!?!? God answer me. Teach me how to fix me. The problem is, I know what will and can fix me. I refuse to do it. Pride? Self esteem? What's holding me back? It's become impossible for me to be a student. Nothing excites me anymore. And this could be a form of pride too. God I'm fucked up. What am I doing here? I'm paying money to fail. I've hurt so many other people around me. Here's that thought again. That "buzz" word. Maturity - thinking of others before oneself. Time and time again it's been the most logical answer. It is the most logical answer. Who will take care of me? God, my family, my friends. Logical, completely logical isn't it? Yea it is but can't seem to plant it into my heart. Impossible! I've linked emotions to God and my relationship with Him. I need to change it. God wait for me. Or rather change me now. I have no time to lose or else my depravity and everything I've written about will take course again. Do something about it Alex! God! I'm going to wrestle your power out of you. I can't wait anymore. Keep the fire going. I can't wait anymore.
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Ok so I was thinking. We have limited time for everything. Our days are numbered. So we should go get everything that we need and want and stop wasting time. Of course it doesn't mean that we get everything that we want, it should be backed up with the wisdom of God. So, in our humility, we have no power. God is sovereign and all powerful and we have to depend on God for our strength due to our depravity and sins. Ok revelation. We can now get anything and everything we need because we have God behind us. Yes? Make sense? And as we knock and seek, we should take an initiative stance. We have to show God that we want it. nobody will just give it to us. So that might work for material things and stuff but how do you get intangible things? Like faith, determination, passion, etc. How? Do you act upon that and have faith that we will be changed as we practice? It seems I'm answering my own questions. God is here with me and speaking to me it seems. Praise the Lord! Sigh. But I still have my doubts. How long will this conviction last? Prayer will make it more concrete in my life. Makes sense. The devil will take that and attack me and put water on my fire. My own depravity will make me put water on the fire. God help me. I radio in for help. "Broken Arrow!" Send your angels. Put me on the frontlines so I may grow as quickly as you let me. Take my doubts away from me because you will always take care of me. My prayer.
______________________________________________________
So talking to my LCG. My next step is to FULLY understand what God's love for me is; understand what it means when God loves me and gave His son for me. Then everything else will fall into place. Have you thought about that before? Do you know for sure that God loves you outside of the head knowledge? Can you say fully in your heart that you understand what God did out of love?

Act

Carry through. Just do it. Don't think, just act on it. Stick to one thing. Sigh I'm so inconsistent it's amazing that I'm still alive. All these thoughts, "convictions", and revelations aren't worth crap if I don't act on them. Crap. I'm still an idiot. 변신 time hopefully!

OK all nighter time. Going to be changed. Will be changed because I'll focus on not on my weaknesses but confess them and let His power change me.

Fragmented Sentences

Frustrated. Frustration. Lack of satisfaction in a situation or endeavor. Life. Unfair. God? Me. Incomplete. Still immature. So insufficient. So useless. Homework not done. Blamed it on a test. Bullsh*t. Starting at 12 AM. Retarded. Sleepless nights numerous. Unproductive. Distractions. Nothing working out. Failures. Need to focus on work. The fruits of life. Focus.

Must improve. Quiet times? Few. Prayer? Limited. Depravity? Boundless.

Should be glad. Blessed. Limbs, health, friends, family. Great church community. Much love for me. Should press on. Will press on.

Sigh. So focused inwardly. Learning to care. Learning to breathe. Learning to be mature.

RAN out of thoughts. Starting homework. This was fun. Ha ha ha
Oh. And I took an online test regarding fragmented sentences and run-on sentences. I got a 10/10! haha yes..

Epic Fail

I've proven once again that I'm a slacker and I would drive myself to pure oblivion academically and socially if not for the Lord.

Last night everything that could go wrong was going wrong. My ME250 hw required that I do it online and on a remote desktop provided by the University on a website. It was due today and I had a test today so it had to be done before I started. The remote desktop was disconnecting on me, the program I was using was restarting on me, and my patience was thinning on me. It was reminiscent of the nights before previous tests and those tests had not gone well. The hw was taking forever too. It wasn't supposed to.

I had finished the homework by 1:30, praise the Lord, and took a break. And of course, the break was an extended break fueled by my desire to avoid doing any kind of work at 2 o' clock in the morning. So I started to perform the good old "study" motions like any good college student by 2:30 am. Needless to say, by 5:30 am I had only accumulated about an hour of studying for this history exam that was in four and a half hours and the hour of studying was from 4:30 to 5:30. Go figure. Overwhelmed by the drunken stupor that is sleep deprivation, I sulked off to bed to try and squeeze in two hours of sleep to allow my frazzled brain to reconstruct itself significantly enough for the test.

Woke up approximately two and a quarter hours later at 8 o' clock and took a shower. From then on I tried to cram things I thought I never could in my head; dates, concepts, events, anything really. Took a quick nap because my eyelids were closing to keep my brains from leaking out of my eye holes and went to take the test.

Everything that led up to this test adds up to the failure of my midterm but through God's grace, the things on the test were not easy but were of the things that I had crammed into my thoughts the night before and the hastily browsed notes of this morning. I won't say, no I can't say that I did well on that test, the essay was HORRIBLE. I was so rusty at LSA style writing, or rather any writing in general that I hope my thoughts were numerous enough to link together some kind of coherent argument on the strength of the communists in the north by 1954 in Vietnam.

All in all, I give credit to whatever I receive on the test to God. If I fail, then it is due to my faults and imperfections and I deserve every point that I didn't get. If I pass or do well, it is all because of God, for God, and has nothing to do with my power. May these words walk with me as I continue this day because I have so much to do now that I'm done with this test. Homeworks seeking attention like a devil baby that shrieks out for injustice and pain in my academic life will occupy my night tonight. No doubt I'll push that baby out the window to deal with it tomorrow.

Even now I'm late for class and I have to print out my finished HW to hand in but thankfully the class I'm late for is optional and I can eat something to survive the next 3.5 hour block of classes that is coming up. Fail. Well... I revel in the miasma of events, meetings, classes, homeworks, and work because I can lean upon the strength of God and struggle through it. Hopefully I'll remember to do that. hahahah...

Imperfectly yours,

Alex

edit: haha i just reread this and it sounds like im trying too hard to sound intelligent or like i write well. well.. i was. ahha

Newborn Hello

Hello world of bloggers,

I wish to join the ranks of the bloggers of the world and add my thoughts to the intangible cloud of thoughts that is the blogger's universe. I may be verbose and lack eloquence at times but I'll try my best to capture your attention as you read.

Intro
Perfectionality. Strange name. I think so too. But I thought it was clever putting perfectionism and personality together. You see I started this page after a Renew session on 3/1 that took us through Pride and how it affected our spiritual lives. One way was through perfectionism and how we try to earn our self worth through our achievements and recognition through our peers. I don't remeber every single detail but thats how it went. We value the acknowledgement of men rather than the acceptance of God. I've come to recognize that this was my problem and chose to write about how much my days suck because they don't go according to plan and how worthless I am because I suck at so many things. Haha. Well we shall see how this goes and hopefully God will work through this blog and keep it alive so that it doesn't join the other xanga corpses that I've accumulated over my life.

Well here goes nothing!

Humbly yours,

Alex Sin